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Once a man went to a Veterinary (Animal) Doctor and said: Doctor I came on vacation so that I can get treated.
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic
Man: No, I am coming to you.
Doctor: But, I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist.
Man: I know, but I want you to treat me.
Doctor: I cannot, because you speak like me and think like me which means you are a human, not an animal.
Man: I know I am same and I am a human but the problem is
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work like a deer
I work all day like a donkey
I wag my tail in front of my manager like a dog
I play with my children like a monkey
I am like a rabbit in front of my wife
Doctor asked: Do you work in Software Company
Man: Yes!
Doctor yelled: Come dear, no body will treat you better than me.
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Jokes # 90 : How to get increment in salary ...! Blackmail your boss
Employee said to his Manager: If you don't increase my salary then I'll inform all the staff members in the company that you have increased my salary !!!
Labels:
Employee Manager Jokes,
Professional Jokes
Jokes # 89 : What should be the Approach in the business? ... ! Interesting Idea to start a new business
Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I will choose my own bride!
Father: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.
Son : Well, in that case...ok
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Father: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...ok
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!
Father: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case...ok
This is how business is done !!!
Son : I will choose my own bride!
Father: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.
Son : Well, in that case...ok
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Father: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...ok
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!
Father: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case...ok
This is how business is done !!!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Jokes # 88 : Actions and Reactions of Computers ... !
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is a computer`s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord
Data.
What is a computer`s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Jokes # 87 : A candidate filling job application form ... !
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Jokes # 86 : Let the boss decide first ... ! allahdin's lamp fullfilling wishes
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Puff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails "Puff and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now." Puff ……….:p
Moral Lesson :- Always Allow The Bosses To Speak First
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Puff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails "Puff and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now." Puff ……….:p
Moral Lesson :- Always Allow The Bosses To Speak First
Jokes # 85 : Newly defined Collection of OS ... ! Operating Systems
Unix : You shoot yourself in the foot.
DOS : You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.
MS-Windows : The gun blows up in your hand.
Windows NT : The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.
OS/2 : The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.
Mac Finder : It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot.
AIX : You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.
IRIX : The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.
SVR4 : The gun isn't compatible with your foot.
Minix : You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.
Linux : Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.
HURD : You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.
VM/CMS : IBM shoots you in the foot.
VMS : \FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes.
AMIGA-DOS : The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.
Mach : The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.
Cray : You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.
MasPar : You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously
DOS : You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.
MS-Windows : The gun blows up in your hand.
Windows NT : The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.
OS/2 : The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.
Mac Finder : It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot.
AIX : You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.
IRIX : The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.
SVR4 : The gun isn't compatible with your foot.
Minix : You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.
Linux : Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.
HURD : You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.
VM/CMS : IBM shoots you in the foot.
VMS : \FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes.
AMIGA-DOS : The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.
Mach : The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.
Cray : You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.
MasPar : You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously
Labels:
Jokes related to Computers
Jokes # 84 : Where to place Employees ... ! A Proper utilization of human resources
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs?
Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if
They have left early, put them in Sales.
Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if
They have left early, put them in Sales.
Labels:
Designations Jokes,
Professional Jokes
Jokes # 83 : What does IBM stand for ... ! Words and their Abbreviations
ISDN : It Still Does Nothing
APPLE : Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH : Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
APPLE : Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH : Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
Labels:
Computer Terminoloies Jokes
Jokes # 82 : How is that to become a Software Engineer’s wife ... ! Interesting stanzas
Even moon has come,
but you haven't
No chance to take lunch with you in this life,
Please don't add dinner in that list.
Fortunately after wedding we had one week fun,
Otherwise We could not have son.
Son has finished counting Stars in the sky,
but you haven't come.
I told, "Father may come in your dream Just sleep and try".
Father for family, Sun for world.
If first absent, dark is present.
"Dear son ... Tell your father
Money is for life not life is for money"
Oh ! People, Go everywhere,
Without Software
but you haven't
No chance to take lunch with you in this life,
Please don't add dinner in that list.
Fortunately after wedding we had one week fun,
Otherwise We could not have son.
Son has finished counting Stars in the sky,
but you haven't come.
I told, "Father may come in your dream Just sleep and try".
Father for family, Sun for world.
If first absent, dark is present.
"Dear son ... Tell your father
Money is for life not life is for money"
Oh ! People, Go everywhere,
Without Software
Jokes # 81 : Funny Computer Terminologies ... ! Computer Parts and Softwares
State-of-the-art : Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete : Any computer you own.
Microsecond : The time it takes for your State-of-the-art-computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error : Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI : What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
486 : The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
Computer Chip : Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard : The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Portable Computer : A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash : A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User : Anyone who can format a disk from DOS
System Update : A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Obsolete : Any computer you own.
Microsecond : The time it takes for your State-of-the-art-computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error : Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI : What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
486 : The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
Computer Chip : Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard : The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Portable Computer : A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash : A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User : Anyone who can format a disk from DOS
System Update : A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Jokes # 80 : Software Engineer watching a running race... !
A software engineer went for watching a running race in a tournament and he is asking his neighbour (who is sitting beside him) in this way.
software Engineer : Why all these people are running.
neighbour: Running race is going on and the person who wins the race will get the prize.
Software Engineer: IF only one person gets the prize then what is the need of all other people to run.
software Engineer : Why all these people are running.
neighbour: Running race is going on and the person who wins the race will get the prize.
Software Engineer: IF only one person gets the prize then what is the need of all other people to run.
Jokes # 79 : Novice, Intermediate and Expert ... ! Types of Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types:
Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.
Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.
Labels:
Jokes related to Computers
Jokes # 78 : Student's first Programming Class ... !
1)--> In college, I worked as a teaching assistant for an introductory programming language. For most of the people in the class, this was probably their first and only programming class.
One day, I was doing program code reviews with a handful of students. This one girl gave me her code, and, after looking at it, I asked why she had repeated a certain line twice:
let x = 7;
let x = 7;
She said, "Just in case it didn't get set right the first time."
2)--> When a computer professor asked his students to comment all their programs, he got remarks like:
"This program is very nice."
"This program is very difficult."
"This program is very interesting."
One day, I was doing program code reviews with a handful of students. This one girl gave me her code, and, after looking at it, I asked why she had repeated a certain line twice:
let x = 7;
let x = 7;
She said, "Just in case it didn't get set right the first time."
2)--> When a computer professor asked his students to comment all their programs, he got remarks like:
"This program is very nice."
"This program is very difficult."
"This program is very interesting."
Labels:
Coding Jokes,
Teacher Student Jokes
Jokes # 77 : Fundamentals of computer programming ... !
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer
who must maintain it.
Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer
who must maintain it.
Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Labels:
Software Development Jokes
Jokes # 76 : What should be Software Engineer's Daily Routine ... !
6:30AM : wake up
6:45AM : Tough decision; To bathe or not.
6:50AM : Have To.
9:15AM : Punch in.
9:20AM : Check Mail.
9:25AM : Check Again just in case...
9:30AM : Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea ( 9:45AM ).
9:45AM : TEA party.
10:00AM : Check Mail.
10:05AM : Check again. Can't Believe that no mail has come. Is every body dead or what?
10:20AM : Sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation turn around to look for some body (Any body) to talk to.
10:30AM : Found a guy testing something. Feel real pity for his pathetic, boring and useless existence.
10:40AM : Sudden urge to get some work done and fast. Start looking for the file. (Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM : Boss summons in his office. Bad sign
11:30AM : How the hell! Am I supposed to remember everything? Why should I be responsible for everything that goes bad?
11:45AM : Try to locate a scapegoat. No body around.
12:00AM : Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
12:30AM : Lunch
1:00PM : Lunch over.
1:10PM : Go for a smoke. Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
1:35PM : Back from a smoke. It was good. I even did not paid for the cig. The other chap is so foolish.
1:50PM : Mood is good. Decide to go to cool web sites. Real sleazy thoughts.
2:30PM : Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
2:45PM : Tea Time.
3:00PM : Chat and discuss with colleague on the bad state of the company. Blame everybody for incompetence and laziness.
4:00PM : A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
4:11PM : Try to look busy.
4:12PM : He is asking for a technical help.(Real jerk).
4:15PM : After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
4:50PM : No solution found. Really angry on the guy for getting myself involved.
4:55PM : Suddenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area. Try make as much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical jargon thrown in.
5:00PM : Boss has gone back to his den. Coast is clear.
5:05PM : Blame the problem on RnD.
5:10PM : Check mail. "Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
5:13PM : It's a silly joke and old too. But it felt good.
5:14PM : A quick dash for gate.
5:15PM : Third in punching out.
5:25PM : Reached Room.
5:26PM : TV on. No worth while program.
8:30PM : Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazy and irresponsible what will happen to this world GOD help us. Curse
government and RnD.
8:45PM: Food arrives. Pretty bad and stinking
8:48PM : Dinner finished.
8:50PM : Bay watch. At last some quality.
11:30PM : Mtv Grind. Hmm things are looking up.
12:45AM : Today there were really good programs.
1:46AM : Decide to sleep. Tough day ahead
6:45AM : Tough decision; To bathe or not.
6:50AM : Have To.
9:15AM : Punch in.
9:20AM : Check Mail.
9:25AM : Check Again just in case...
9:30AM : Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea ( 9:45AM ).
9:45AM : TEA party.
10:00AM : Check Mail.
10:05AM : Check again. Can't Believe that no mail has come. Is every body dead or what?
10:20AM : Sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation turn around to look for some body (Any body) to talk to.
10:30AM : Found a guy testing something. Feel real pity for his pathetic, boring and useless existence.
10:40AM : Sudden urge to get some work done and fast. Start looking for the file. (Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM : Boss summons in his office. Bad sign
11:30AM : How the hell! Am I supposed to remember everything? Why should I be responsible for everything that goes bad?
11:45AM : Try to locate a scapegoat. No body around.
12:00AM : Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
12:30AM : Lunch
1:00PM : Lunch over.
1:10PM : Go for a smoke. Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
1:35PM : Back from a smoke. It was good. I even did not paid for the cig. The other chap is so foolish.
1:50PM : Mood is good. Decide to go to cool web sites. Real sleazy thoughts.
2:30PM : Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
2:45PM : Tea Time.
3:00PM : Chat and discuss with colleague on the bad state of the company. Blame everybody for incompetence and laziness.
4:00PM : A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
4:11PM : Try to look busy.
4:12PM : He is asking for a technical help.(Real jerk).
4:15PM : After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
4:50PM : No solution found. Really angry on the guy for getting myself involved.
4:55PM : Suddenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area. Try make as much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical jargon thrown in.
5:00PM : Boss has gone back to his den. Coast is clear.
5:05PM : Blame the problem on RnD.
5:10PM : Check mail. "Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
5:13PM : It's a silly joke and old too. But it felt good.
5:14PM : A quick dash for gate.
5:15PM : Third in punching out.
5:25PM : Reached Room.
5:26PM : TV on. No worth while program.
8:30PM : Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazy and irresponsible what will happen to this world GOD help us. Curse
government and RnD.
8:45PM: Food arrives. Pretty bad and stinking
8:48PM : Dinner finished.
8:50PM : Bay watch. At last some quality.
11:30PM : Mtv Grind. Hmm things are looking up.
12:45AM : Today there were really good programs.
1:46AM : Decide to sleep. Tough day ahead
Jokes # 75 : I want to buy an Hour ... ! late commer Father
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door...
Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"
Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"
Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" that man said angrily
Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "I make $50 an hour"
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said,
"Dad, may I please borrow $30?"
The father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish
behavior"
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $30 and he really didn't ask for money very often!" The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $30 you asked for" The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father. "Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.” Daddy I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"
MORAL
It's just a short reminder to all of you working late in the offices
everyday.
We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some
time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends
we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come
to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our
family. An unwise investment indeed!
Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"
Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"
Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" that man said angrily
Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "I make $50 an hour"
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said,
"Dad, may I please borrow $30?"
The father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish
behavior"
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $30 and he really didn't ask for money very often!" The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $30 you asked for" The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father. "Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.” Daddy I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"
MORAL
It's just a short reminder to all of you working late in the offices
everyday.
We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some
time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends
we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come
to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our
family. An unwise investment indeed!
Jokes # 74 : How to fix the car ... ! An Accident / Disaster
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Jokes # 73 : Opportunity to become an ideal husband ... ! Avail it
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$ 7, 00,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 11, 50,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11, 00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
"Anyone knows to whom this cell phone belongs to?"
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$ 7, 00,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 11, 50,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 11, 00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:
"Anyone knows to whom this cell phone belongs to?"
Labels:
Husband Wife Jokes,
Other Jokes
Jokes # 72 : Smoking is injurious to health ... ! Drop Cigarettes
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says: "Can’t you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!". The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Jokes # 71 : God Versus Project Manager ( Big Boss ) ... !
We all know this one(God)
one day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" to which God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints Because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands"
Now know this one too!!!(PM) Project manager
Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the PM answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head "
one day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" to which God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints Because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands"
Now know this one too!!!(PM) Project manager
Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the PM answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head "
Labels:
Other Jokes
Jokes # 70 : Evolution of engineers and their work ... ! A Light Bulb Fix
How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.
How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"
How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."
How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
None. That's a second year subject.
How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"
How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."
How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Labels:
Professional Jokes
Jokes # 69 : Computer Terminologies used in real life ... !
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
A program was a TV show
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Jokes # 68 : Worth to become a Project Manager ... !
Employees of Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager.
They're asking for a 500 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
.
.
.
.
.
About a liter
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager.
They're asking for a 500 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
.
.
.
.
.
About a liter
Jokes # 67 : Life of Software Engineer is full of Depression ... !
Software Engineer Depression Life Cycle
College Life:
College Life ... Awesome
Campus Selection:
Our Interviewer Seems to be Dedicated…and Serious
Joining Date:
Call from Company HR to Join
Dilemma:
Two Offers in Hand what to do ?
Induction:
Same Guy Interviewer Ha ha feels lot relaxed !!!
Project Allocation :
What is this ... Seems Some thing is Wrong
Team Introduction:
Things going bitter ...
Mentor :
Mentor Please help me…Night out's I am working 18 hrs a day ... I got Screwed !
Coding :
I am in a fix: Some One Please Help me out ... Please I am dying out of frustration and depression
Testing:
Tester : Don't Worry Brother ... I am there to hear you ... But One thing ... What is this Code ... You Idiot ... it's performance is not good than Hosur road traffic ... Stupid ... You illiterate Coder ... illogical thinker ...
and
Finally One Day Adieu Mail to ALL
To : All My Brain Eaters, Blood Suckers , Head Ache sources, Boday Ache Providers, finally to Man Eaters ...
Subject: Adieu
Importance : High
HI ALL,
I thank every one of you in name who made me like this ... and today I am transformed from a College Hero ... to Useless Zero ... and all the Credit belongs to you ... I Sincearly request every one ... not try to contact me again in my life
I am Going to Himlayas in Search of MY MANAGERS BRAIN !!!
No Thanks and No Regards,
Adieu
College Life:
College Life ... Awesome
Campus Selection:
Our Interviewer Seems to be Dedicated…and Serious
Joining Date:
Call from Company HR to Join
Dilemma:
Two Offers in Hand what to do ?
Induction:
Same Guy Interviewer Ha ha feels lot relaxed !!!
Project Allocation :
What is this ... Seems Some thing is Wrong
Team Introduction:
Things going bitter ...
Mentor :
Mentor Please help me…Night out's I am working 18 hrs a day ... I got Screwed !
Coding :
I am in a fix: Some One Please Help me out ... Please I am dying out of frustration and depression
Testing:
Tester : Don't Worry Brother ... I am there to hear you ... But One thing ... What is this Code ... You Idiot ... it's performance is not good than Hosur road traffic ... Stupid ... You illiterate Coder ... illogical thinker ...
and
Finally One Day Adieu Mail to ALL
To : All My Brain Eaters, Blood Suckers , Head Ache sources, Boday Ache Providers, finally to Man Eaters ...
Subject: Adieu
Importance : High
HI ALL,
I thank every one of you in name who made me like this ... and today I am transformed from a College Hero ... to Useless Zero ... and all the Credit belongs to you ... I Sincearly request every one ... not try to contact me again in my life
I am Going to Himlayas in Search of MY MANAGERS BRAIN !!!
No Thanks and No Regards,
Adieu
Jokes # 66 : A drowning Software Engineer ... !
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Jokes # 65 : The way to get success... ! Interesting Secrets
What is the secret of success ?
I found the answer in my room.
The fan said BE COOL.
The roof said AIM HIGH.
The window said TAKE PAINS.
The clock said EVERY MINUTE IS PRECIOUS.
The mirror said REFLECT BEFORE YOU ACT.
The calendar said BE UPTO DATE.
The door said PUSH.
The lamp said MAKE THE LIGHT OF YOUR FUTURE.
I found the answer in my room.
The fan said BE COOL.
The roof said AIM HIGH.
The window said TAKE PAINS.
The clock said EVERY MINUTE IS PRECIOUS.
The mirror said REFLECT BEFORE YOU ACT.
The calendar said BE UPTO DATE.
The door said PUSH.
The lamp said MAKE THE LIGHT OF YOUR FUTURE.
Labels:
Other Jokes
Jokes # 64 : How Engineers can become Executives ... !
Salary Theorem states that Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
Labels:
Other Jokes
Jokes # 63 : is Windows a Virus or a Bug ... !
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Jokes # 62 : Unable to locate space to save document ... ! WordPerfect
My favorite was a few years ago, when DOS was still king.
A court reporter, I did work for called me at home one Saturday morning.
She couldn't get her WordPerfect (WP) to save her document. A very BIG document, due at a lawyer's office Monday morning. A document she had been working on for about 12 hours.
I made a trip to her home, and she explained to me that she had tried to save the document but received an "Out of space" message, so she went into her WP file manager and deleted a bunch of files to make room for her document. She was sure she didn't need any of the old files, since their names weren't familiar to her. Among them was WP.exe - the WordPerfect program.
Since it had to call itself to run the save routine, or the file manager routine, or anything else except text creation, she was stuck forever between the proverbial rock and hard place. No way to save, no way to shell out to restore WP.exe, no way to even print what she had typed in - all 400 pages. We print-screened all 400 pages, gave it the last rites, and rebooted to restore her WP files. She did, however, learn a new respect for file names she didn't recognize.
A court reporter, I did work for called me at home one Saturday morning.
She couldn't get her WordPerfect (WP) to save her document. A very BIG document, due at a lawyer's office Monday morning. A document she had been working on for about 12 hours.
I made a trip to her home, and she explained to me that she had tried to save the document but received an "Out of space" message, so she went into her WP file manager and deleted a bunch of files to make room for her document. She was sure she didn't need any of the old files, since their names weren't familiar to her. Among them was WP.exe - the WordPerfect program.
Since it had to call itself to run the save routine, or the file manager routine, or anything else except text creation, she was stuck forever between the proverbial rock and hard place. No way to save, no way to shell out to restore WP.exe, no way to even print what she had typed in - all 400 pages. We print-screened all 400 pages, gave it the last rites, and rebooted to restore her WP files. She did, however, learn a new respect for file names she didn't recognize.
Jokes # 61 : Complain of Bill Gates to Police Department ... !
Hello police department, how may I assist you?
Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
No.
Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
Bill Gates.
Country?
The USA.
Native language?
English.
Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP123456. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
Yes, I was just about to meet with the Indian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
Yes.
Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
No.
Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
Yes.
Any pies then?
No.
Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.
Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back.
Did you get hit by another pie?
Of course not.
Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Police Department.
Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
No.
Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
Bill Gates.
Country?
The USA.
Native language?
English.
Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP123456. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
Yes, I was just about to meet with the Indian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
Yes.
Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
No.
Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
Yes.
Any pies then?
No.
Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.
Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back.
Did you get hit by another pie?
Of course not.
Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Police Department.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Jokes # 60 : Bill for getting advice ... !
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Labels:
Professional Jokes
Jokes # 59 : Microsoft and General Motors GM ... ! Comparison
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull ove r to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect ion fault" warning light.
8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull ove r to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect ion fault" warning light.
8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 58 : Tragedy, Accident and Great Loss ... ! Differentiate
President bush was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." so our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." one little boy stands up and offers, "if my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "if a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains mr. president. "that's what we would call great loss."
the room goes silent. no other children volunteer.
President bush searches the room. "isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. in a quiet voice he says, "if air force one, carrying mr. & mrs. bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims bush, "that's right. and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." so our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." one little boy stands up and offers, "if my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "if a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains mr. president. "that's what we would call great loss."
the room goes silent. no other children volunteer.
President bush searches the room. "isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. in a quiet voice he says, "if air force one, carrying mr. & mrs. bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic," exclaims bush, "that's right. and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
Labels:
President Bush Jokes
Jokes # 57 : God gives more than our expectations ... ! Moral lesson
Once a boy went to a shop with his mother.
The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets and said 'Dear Child..u can take the sweets... but the child didnt take.The shop keeper was surprised.. such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle.Again he said take the sweets.... now mother also heard that and said.. son take the sweets.. yet he didnt take... .
The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets... he himself took the sweets and gave to the child...... the child was happy to get two hands full of sweets ....
When returned to home Mother asked child...
Why didnt you take the sweets... when shop keeper told you to take...
.
Can you guess the response:
Child replies...Mom! my hands are very small and if i take the sweets i can only take few.. but now you see when uncle gave with his big hands.... how many more sweets i got!
.
.
Moral:
When we take we may get little but when God gives... HE gives us more beyond our expectations.... more than what we can hold......................
The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed him a bottle with sweets and said 'Dear Child..u can take the sweets... but the child didnt take.The shop keeper was surprised.. such a small child he is and why is he not taking the sweets from the bottle.Again he said take the sweets.... now mother also heard that and said.. son take the sweets.. yet he didnt take... .
The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets... he himself took the sweets and gave to the child...... the child was happy to get two hands full of sweets ....
When returned to home Mother asked child...
Why didnt you take the sweets... when shop keeper told you to take...
.
Can you guess the response:
Child replies...Mom! my hands are very small and if i take the sweets i can only take few.. but now you see when uncle gave with his big hands.... how many more sweets i got!
.
.
Moral:
When we take we may get little but when God gives... HE gives us more beyond our expectations.... more than what we can hold......................
Labels:
Moral Lessons ... Jokes
Jokes # 56 : Appraisal and Resignation ... !
A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "What is the meaning of appraisal?"
Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"
Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation
1. In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
2. In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
3. During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.
4. There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.
Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"
Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"
Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation
1. In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
2. In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
3. During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.
4. There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.
Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"
Jokes # 55 : Press any key to continue ... !
Customer: It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: Tried but nothing
Tech Support: What key did you hit?
After a moment and the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: Tried but nothing
Tech Support: What key did you hit?
After a moment and the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
Labels:
Help Desk ( Tech Support ) Jokes
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Jokes # 54 : Gates meets Satan ... ! Punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 53 : Interview Fun ... !
Officer : What is your name ?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : Tell me properly
Candidate : Mohan pal sir
Officer : Your father's name ?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : What does that mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan pal sir
Officer : Your native place
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : Is it madhya pradesh ?
Candidate : No, munnur pal sir
Officer : What is your qualification?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : (angrily) What is it ?
Candidate : Metric pass
Officer : Why do you need a job ?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : And what does that mean ?
Candidate : Money problem sir
Officer : Describe your personality
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : Explain yourself clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous personality sir
Officer : This discussion is nowhere, you may go now
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : What is it now
Candidate : My performance....?
Officer : mp !!!
Candidate : What is that sir..?
Officer : Mentally puncture
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : Tell me properly
Candidate : Mohan pal sir
Officer : Your father's name ?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : What does that mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan pal sir
Officer : Your native place
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : Is it madhya pradesh ?
Candidate : No, munnur pal sir
Officer : What is your qualification?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : (angrily) What is it ?
Candidate : Metric pass
Officer : Why do you need a job ?
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : And what does that mean ?
Candidate : Money problem sir
Officer : Describe your personality
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : Explain yourself clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous personality sir
Officer : This discussion is nowhere, you may go now
Candidate : m p. sir
Officer : What is it now
Candidate : My performance....?
Officer : mp !!!
Candidate : What is that sir..?
Officer : Mentally puncture
Labels:
Interview Jokes
Jokes # 53 : Bill Gates's Chair ... !
Bill Gates died in an accident involving a misguided pie which was thrown at him by an angry Macintosh protester. Because of his achievements in life, it was decided that he should go to heaven. God Personally showed Bill around heaven, displaying the Waterfalls, Great Forests, Lagoon's and Wet-T-shirt contests that are held regularly. Bill was impressed by all of them and kept nodding his head in approval, which pleased God because he enjoyed pleasing others. When they finished the tour, God took Bill into his Throne room and sat down on the blindingly shiny throne. God asked Bill how he had enjoyed heaven so far, and Bill replied;
"It's been great, but you're in my chair."
"It's been great, but you're in my chair."
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 52 : Funny QA Session ... !
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep to.
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep to.
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Labels:
Other Jokes
Jokes # 51 : How to Start Software Project ... !
Programmer to Team Leader: “We can’t do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can’t. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take this type of project.”
Team Leader to Project Manager: “This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don’t have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature.”
Project Manager to Director: “This project involves a design change in the system and we don’t have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it.”
Director to Vice President: “This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution.”
Vice President to CEO: “This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances.”
CEO to Client: “This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.”
Team Leader to Project Manager: “This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don’t have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature.”
Project Manager to Director: “This project involves a design change in the system and we don’t have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it.”
Director to Vice President: “This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution.”
Vice President to CEO: “This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances.”
CEO to Client: “This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.”
Labels:
Software Development Jokes
Jokes # 50 : Coffee in clean glass ... !
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Labels:
Diner and Waiter Jokes
Jokes # 49 : Soup is not that hot ... !
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
Labels:
Diner and Waiter Jokes
Jokes # 48 : Programmers at Bar ... !
Ist Programmer : Do you see that chick there ? Look at her properties!
Second Programmer Yes, I’ve already tested her last night... they are read-only !
Second Programmer Yes, I’ve already tested her last night... they are read-only !
Labels:
Bar,
Jokes related To Software Engineers
Jokes # 47 : Go to Hell ... !
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
Jokes # 46 : Do not marry a Software girl ... !
DON’T MARRY A SOFTWARE GIRL
Never marry a “TESTING” girl since she always DOUBTS you.
Never marry a “DATABASE” girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never marry a “C” girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never marry a “C++” girl as you may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never marry a “JAVA” girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a “VB” girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never marry a “UNIX” girl ,she always dump you with a CORE.
Never marry a “PASCAL” girl ,she always scolds you as RASCAL.
Never marry a “COBOL” girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never marry a “NETWORK” girl since she may be very good in SHOOTING PROBLEMS.
Never marry a “TESTING” girl since she always DOUBTS you.
Never marry a “DATABASE” girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never marry a “C” girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never marry a “C++” girl as you may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never marry a “JAVA” girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a “VB” girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never marry a “UNIX” girl ,she always dump you with a CORE.
Never marry a “PASCAL” girl ,she always scolds you as RASCAL.
Never marry a “COBOL” girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never marry a “NETWORK” girl since she may be very good in SHOOTING PROBLEMS.
Jokes # 45 : What is the Gender Of Computers ... !
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
Labels:
Jokes related to Computers
Friday, May 8, 2009
Jokes # 44 : Java Love Letter ... !
To, my new sweet inner class,
the day when my ex- girlfreind became public she left me, the whole
classpath was been disturbed and my heart is throwing null pointer
exception, which i hardly could remove
the day when i saw you in bin market, the whole environment variable changed and I fell in love, if you accept my love i know that my heart thread will execute normally
the day when i met you my heart felt that………
you are the one whom I think is final and static in nature, you and only you can override my heart,
i feel you are like a lang package to my heart, which is available always to me.
My heart needs one catch block to live, if you wanna become my girl friend then tell me some necessary packages so I import for you
waiting for your compilation …….
Hope for no error, warning and exception
your only love
Base class
the day when my ex- girlfreind became public she left me, the whole
classpath was been disturbed and my heart is throwing null pointer
exception, which i hardly could remove
the day when i saw you in bin market, the whole environment variable changed and I fell in love, if you accept my love i know that my heart thread will execute normally
the day when i met you my heart felt that………
you are the one whom I think is final and static in nature, you and only you can override my heart,
i feel you are like a lang package to my heart, which is available always to me.
My heart needs one catch block to live, if you wanna become my girl friend then tell me some necessary packages so I import for you
waiting for your compilation …….
Hope for no error, warning and exception
your only love
Base class
Jokes # 43 : Avail the free Community Service ... !
There was a good old barber in Lahore. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
there...
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut ... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
there...
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut ... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut
Jokes # 42 : A lesson from Donkeys ... !
A good story for all of us to follow in our careers and social life........ ...very true
Once upon a time a Washer man was bringing up two donkeys.
Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B.
Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other.
It always tried to pull the washer man’s attraction over it by taking
more load and walking fast in front of him.
Innocent Donkey-B is normal, so it will walk normal, irrespective of the washer man’s presence. After a period of time,
Washer man started pressurizing Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A.
But Donkey-B unable to walk fast got continuous punishment from washer man. It was crying and told
personally to Donkey-A 'Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other....we can carry
equal load at normal speed '.
That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day it told to washer man that it can carry more load and even it can
run fast also.
Obviously happier washer man looked at Donkey-B.., his BP raised and he started kicking Donkey-B. Next day with smile,
Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and
it couldn't act that way....But the washer man was frustrated, so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell down
hopelessly.
Then Donkey-A felt itself as a supreme and happily started carrying more load with great speed.
But now the Load of the Donkey-B is also being carried by Donkey-A., and still it has to run
fast. For some period it did, finally due to fatigue it got tired and started feeling the pain. But washer man expected more from Donkey-A.
It also tried best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand.
The Washer man got angry with Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load... Donkey-A was crying for
long time and then tried its best...
But it couldn't meet the owner's satisfaction. Finally the day came when due
to frustration the washer man killed Donkey-A and went for searching
some other Donkeys.
Its an endless story....... ...
But the moral of the Story in Corporate and social life is......,
'Think all colleagues are same and that everyone is
capable.... Always
Share the Load equally..... Don't ever act smart in
front of your Boss and never try for getting
over-credit. ..
Don't feel happy when your colleague is under pressure..
'
It doesn't matter if u r A or B, for the Boss u shall
be always DONKEY And most importantly, Never Work Hard, Work
cleverly..... 'Success is a journey not a destination'
Once upon a time a Washer man was bringing up two donkeys.
Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B.
Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other.
It always tried to pull the washer man’s attraction over it by taking
more load and walking fast in front of him.
Innocent Donkey-B is normal, so it will walk normal, irrespective of the washer man’s presence. After a period of time,
Washer man started pressurizing Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A.
But Donkey-B unable to walk fast got continuous punishment from washer man. It was crying and told
personally to Donkey-A 'Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other....we can carry
equal load at normal speed '.
That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day it told to washer man that it can carry more load and even it can
run fast also.
Obviously happier washer man looked at Donkey-B.., his BP raised and he started kicking Donkey-B. Next day with smile,
Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and
it couldn't act that way....But the washer man was frustrated, so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell down
hopelessly.
Then Donkey-A felt itself as a supreme and happily started carrying more load with great speed.
But now the Load of the Donkey-B is also being carried by Donkey-A., and still it has to run
fast. For some period it did, finally due to fatigue it got tired and started feeling the pain. But washer man expected more from Donkey-A.
It also tried best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand.
The Washer man got angry with Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load... Donkey-A was crying for
long time and then tried its best...
But it couldn't meet the owner's satisfaction. Finally the day came when due
to frustration the washer man killed Donkey-A and went for searching
some other Donkeys.
Its an endless story....... ...
But the moral of the Story in Corporate and social life is......,
'Think all colleagues are same and that everyone is
capable.... Always
Share the Load equally..... Don't ever act smart in
front of your Boss and never try for getting
over-credit. ..
Don't feel happy when your colleague is under pressure..
'
It doesn't matter if u r A or B, for the Boss u shall
be always DONKEY And most importantly, Never Work Hard, Work
cleverly..... 'Success is a journey not a destination'
Labels:
Moral Lessons ... Jokes
Jokes # 41 : Programmer's letter to Architect ... !
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the oneI am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be chosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor build last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon a possible if this is the case.
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the oneI am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be chosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor build last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon a possible if this is the case.
Jokes # 40 : Demo of Hell ... !
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said.
So an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said.
So an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Jokes # 39 : Bill Gates ... ! Change Management
Qusetion : How many Bill Gates’ does it take to change / replace the burnt light bulb?
Answer : None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard !
Answer : None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard !
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 38 : Solution to the hard problems ... !
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
Labels:
Husband Wife Jokes
Jokes # 37 : Bill Gates Meets God ... !
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 36 : I do not have time for ... ! but for frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Jokes # 35 : I Do not have an Email ID ... !
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed."
He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed."
He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"
Labels:
Interview Jokes,
Jokes Related to Emails
Jokes # 34 : Bubble in the Bathtub ... !
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her introduction, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.She said, "Let's start with the boys first".The boys start giving their introductionFirst boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next" .Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next" .Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach immature boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please" ..First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes" ..Teacher "Now thats like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...".The most beautiful girl in the class: "M' am, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day".
Labels:
Teacher Student Jokes
Jokes # 33 : Major cause of increase in population ... !
A Teacher was delivering lecture on population:
In India after every 10 seconds a woman gives birth to a kid…
A student stood up and said- "We must find & stop her!
In India after every 10 seconds a woman gives birth to a kid…
A student stood up and said- "We must find & stop her!
Labels:
Teacher Student Jokes
Jokes # 32 : Computers are clever ... !
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward -- there is always one -- and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father"?, he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words, "Fishing off Florida."
Clever Dick laughed.
"Actually," he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward -- there is always one -- and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father"?, he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words, "Fishing off Florida."
Clever Dick laughed.
"Actually," he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
Labels:
Other Jokes
Jokes # 31 : Bill Gates making a Wish ... !
Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.
He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, "I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish."
Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.
The Genie replies, "I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?"
Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.
The Genie says, Let me see that map again.
He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, "I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish."
Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.
The Genie replies, "I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?"
Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.
The Genie says, Let me see that map again.
Jokes # 30 : Interview questions ... !
Manager asked a man at an interview:
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Man replied: POSTBOX.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Man replied: POSTBOX.
Labels:
Interview Jokes
Jokes # 29 : Dear Wife ... !
Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.
John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!
Love, Your Husband
John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!
Love, Your Husband
Jokes # 28 : Software Engineer playing role as a Husband ... !
A typical conversation between a husband who returns late from work as a computer programmer and a house wife
Husband: "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the ring?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morn...
Husband: Erroneous syntax.
Wife: What about my new blouse?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters. Abort!
Wife: It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: Default Parameter.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: Access denied. File in use...
Husband: "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the ring?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morn...
Husband: Erroneous syntax.
Wife: What about my new blouse?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters. Abort!
Wife: It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: Default Parameter.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: Access denied. File in use...
Jokes # 27 : Gate's way of Preparation ... !
Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"
Bill Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great
programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."
Bill Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great
programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 26 : Man beating a Donkey ... !
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey
and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Labels:
Teacher Student Jokes
Jokes # 25 : Sports Car ... ! Birthday Gift
Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
Labels:
Father Son Jokes
Jokes # 24 : Cheque Book ... !
When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
She answers: My husband's cheque book..
Labels:
Husband Wife Jokes
Jokes # 23 : Newly proposed Microsoft Keyboard ... !
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
GPF key: - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representative’s state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
$$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the Setup MSN files from Win 95!
RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?
FUD key: - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.
Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape)
FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
GPF key: - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representative’s state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
$$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the Setup MSN files from Win 95!
RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?
FUD key: - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.
Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape)
FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
Labels:
Jokes Related to Microsoft
Jokes # 22 : Interesting Leave Applications ... !
An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave.
Another Leave letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..
Another Leave letter:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave.
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave
An incident of a leave letter
I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.
A leave letter to the headmaster:
As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.
I request you to leave me today
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave.
Another Leave letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..
Another Leave letter:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave.
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave
An incident of a leave letter
I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.
A leave letter to the headmaster:
As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.
I request you to leave me today
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave
Jokes # 21 : Slow Internet ... ! Poem
Some stanzas about Net is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
Labels:
Internet Jokes
Jokes # 20 : NASA Interview ... !
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person
could go, and he will not return to Earth.
The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going.
"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to
M.I.T."
The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my
family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research."
The last applicant was a Pakistani politician (Guess who?). When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The Pakistani Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1
million,and we'll give the American engineer $1million and send him to
Mars"....
could go, and he will not return to Earth.
The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going.
"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to
M.I.T."
The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my
family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research."
The last applicant was a Pakistani politician (Guess who?). When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The Pakistani Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1
million,and we'll give the American engineer $1million and send him to
Mars"....
Labels:
Interview Jokes
Jokes # 19 : Bill Gates Locked out ... !
One day Bill Gates left work, started driving off, and
remembered he'd left his suit-jacket in the office. He stopped
the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the
jacket.
When Bill returned to his car, he realized that he'd locked the
keys inside the car, with the lights were on and the engine was
still running. He ran back to the office frantic for help.
He found a security guard - and DEMANDED immediate assistance.
After less than 5 seconds, the guard popped the door open, which
impressed and amazed the programmer to no end.
Bill asked, "Sir, I demand that I keep THAT paperclip NOW!" The
guard replies kind of perplexed, "Sure, it's just a paper clip."
With a great big satisfied smile, Bill replied, "Great, I'll
keep it in the glove compartment in case I ever do THAT again!"
remembered he'd left his suit-jacket in the office. He stopped
the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the
jacket.
When Bill returned to his car, he realized that he'd locked the
keys inside the car, with the lights were on and the engine was
still running. He ran back to the office frantic for help.
He found a security guard - and DEMANDED immediate assistance.
After less than 5 seconds, the guard popped the door open, which
impressed and amazed the programmer to no end.
Bill asked, "Sir, I demand that I keep THAT paperclip NOW!" The
guard replies kind of perplexed, "Sure, it's just a paper clip."
With a great big satisfied smile, Bill replied, "Great, I'll
keep it in the glove compartment in case I ever do THAT again!"
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 18 : Engineers driving in a car ... !
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said,
"I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said,
"The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said,
"I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
"What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said,
"I think we should all get out and get back in.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said,
"I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said,
"The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said,
"I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
"What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said,
"I think we should all get out and get back in.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Jokes # 17 : Death of a Software Engineer ... !
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week, when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went to his home and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still-running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Lather
* Rinse
* Repeat
The instructions on the bottle said:
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Lather
* Rinse
* Repeat
Jokes # 16 : RIght Click ... ! humor
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Labels:
Help Desk ( Tech Support ) Jokes
Jokes # 15 : Work place VS Prison
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Labels:
Other Jokes
Jokes # 14 : Wrong Password ... !
DNS User: I can't get on the Internet.
DNS Help Desk: Are you sure you used the right password?
DNS User: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
DNS Help Desk: Can you tell me what the password was?
DNS User: Five stars.
DNS Help Desk: Are you sure you used the right password?
DNS User: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
DNS Help Desk: Can you tell me what the password was?
DNS User: Five stars.
Labels:
Help Desk ( Tech Support ) Jokes
Jokes # 13 : 50 Ways of confusing or just scaring people in Computer Lab
1) Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2) Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3) When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4) Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5) Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6) Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7) Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8) Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9) Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10) Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11) Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12) Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13) Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14) Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15) Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16) Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17) "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18) Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19) Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20) If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21) Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22) Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23) When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24) Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25) Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26) Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27) If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28) Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29) Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30) Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31) Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32) Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33) Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34) Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35) Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36) Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37) When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38) Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39) Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40) Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41) Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42) Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43) Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44) See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45) Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46) Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47) Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48) Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49) Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50) Two words: Tesla Coil.
2) Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3) When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4) Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5) Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6) Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7) Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8) Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9) Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10) Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11) Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12) Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13) Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14) Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15) Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16) Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17) "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18) Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19) Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20) If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21) Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22) Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23) When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24) Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25) Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26) Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27) If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28) Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29) Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30) Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31) Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32) Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33) Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34) Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35) Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36) Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37) When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38) Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39) Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40) Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41) Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42) Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43) Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44) See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45) Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46) Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47) Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48) Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49) Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50) Two words: Tesla Coil.
Labels:
Jokes for Computer Labs
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Jokes # 12 : HR Person and Candidate ... ! Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Labels:
Interview Jokes
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Jokes # 11 : Conversation between Bill Gates and His Clone ... !
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un-stack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I don’t know... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. It’s the only way."
Bill: “Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un-stack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I don’t know... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. It’s the only way."
Bill: “Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Labels:
Bill Gates Jokes
Jokes # 10 : Heights of Emails ... !
HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.
Labels:
Jokes Related to Emails
Jokes # 9 : Definitions of designations at office …! Wonderful
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
And lastly.................
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
And lastly.................
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
Labels:
Designations Jokes
Friday, May 1, 2009
Jokes # 8 : Software Development Lifecycle (SDLC) ... !
1) Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2) Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3) Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4) Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5) Repeat three times steps (3) and (4).
6) Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7) Users find 137 new bugs.
8) Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9) Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduces 456 new ones.
10) Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11) Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12) New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13) Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2) Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3) Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4) Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5) Repeat three times steps (3) and (4).
6) Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7) Users find 137 new bugs.
8) Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9) Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduces 456 new ones.
10) Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11) Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12) New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13) Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Labels:
Software Development Jokes
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Jokes # 7 : Software Engineer and his old Pentium Machine … !
developer | Gross | Advertising | Promotion | Bazaar | instrument | Device | Fall | Drop | tabularize | shelve | design | plan | Canal | water way | fairy-tale | early days | babyhood | infancy | youth | upbringing | Knife | machete | blade | Examination | investigation | analysis | trial | assessment | Processor | CPU | PC | mainframe | Sincerity | truthfulness | integrity | frankness | candor | openness
Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.
One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table
and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (The woodcutter and the Axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.
The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.
As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”
She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all !!"
Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes".
The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"
The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium machine!!
Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.
One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table
and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (The woodcutter and the Axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.
The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.
As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”
She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all !!"
Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes".
The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"
The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium machine!!
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